You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Randomize
