Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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