the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Randomize
