hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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