That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
