Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
