I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
it glows. i had to have it.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Randomize