I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
is that a dick in a sweater?
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
Randomize
