apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
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