She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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