my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
Randomize
