I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Randomize
