if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
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