I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
I supernannyed him into submission
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Randomize