between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
Can I color on your dick again?
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Randomize
