the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
