I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Randomize
