oh no, I think we did it in the 'front asshole'
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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