Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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