How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Randomize
