My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
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