Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Randomize
