If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Randomize
