We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
me + whiskey = a bad person
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Randomize
