he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
