i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
farters have to be the big spoon...
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Randomize
