Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
you inspire me to be a worse person
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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