totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
