Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
