i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
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