he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
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