i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
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