Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
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