This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize