Got a toothbrush?
can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
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