I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Randomize