My liver just broke up with me...
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
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