drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
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