just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
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