Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
I think my moral compass just broke
Randomize
