My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I looked at my own cervix.
He probably put up nude pics. He seems like that kind of guy.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
