I think I am morally bankrupt
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Randomize
