she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
