My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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