no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Randomize
