Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
Randomize
