I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
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