There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
