dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Randomize
