I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
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