I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
Randomize