He had one of those small greek statue penises
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Randomize
