K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
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