i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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