I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Randomize
