dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
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