I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Randomize
