Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Randomize
