I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
Randomize
