when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
