the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Randomize
