did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
my sisters under your porch take her home
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
Randomize
