i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
