Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Randomize
