he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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